He was in your WHAT?

The other day, Jen went out shopping with her mother, which left me home with the two boys. This is fine because I am a fairly capable father in that when it comes to Ethan, the 6 month old, I know where the diapers are, what body parts they are supposed to cover, and what to do with them when they become full and/or smelly. Plus, I can put food into his mouth in either bottle OR cereal form. I am that good. I am also more than able to handle Ryan, who can be a bit of a turd sometimes, but more often than not is a great kid.

On this night of nights, when the boys are out on the town hitting hot spots like Bed Bath and Beyond (holy crap are their humidifiers expensive!), Target, and Noodles and Company, the conversation flows like wine. Ryan asks questions, I answer, and Ethan drools. Scintillating. So during dinner in which Ryan had buttered noodles, sat on a booster seat without complaining for the first time in his young life, and, in general, was fairly adventurous food-wise, he looks out the window and notices a large castle next door. This castle is another restaurant whose name escapes me at the moment, and I had been in there exactly one time since we moved out here.

”What is that?” he asks.

“That’s the (insert name here – I could read it at the time, I just don’t know it now). It is actually one of the last places mommy and I ate before you were born.”

“Oh,” says Ryan, unimpressed. “Ethan was in mommy’s uterus.”

“Yes, he was. Now try not to be so loud about that, people don’t always want to hear about internal organs while they are eating.”

“Is a uterus an internal organ,” he asks, louder this time. “What is an internal organ?”

“Internal organs are the bits of you that are inside your tummy,” I say, sensing another science lesson coming on. “They are often squishy and gooey, but they help turn your buttered noodles into energy for you.”

“And poop!” he says laughing.

“Yes. And they turn your buttered noodles into poop.”

He looks at his bowl for a second, then back at me. “I don’t want poop noodles anymore.”

“They aren’t poop now, in the bowl, but they will be later after you have digested them.”

“Ok. Can we still get milkshakes?

“Sure,” I say, thankful that we have moved onto a topic more suited for public discussion.

Later that night, while we are brushing our teeth getting him ready for bed, Ryan tosses out another of his famous non sequiturs. “When I was older, Ethan was in my uterus and he grew to be big and then he is now in his crib.”

What? How are you, as a parent, supposed to handle comments like that? Clearly the kid is high. I opt to start with the part I am most sure of.

“Ethan was never in your uterus,” I say confidently.

“Yes he was. He is my little brother and he was in my uterus for 42 days,” he says, equally confident.

“No, he wasn’t. You want to know how I know this?”

“No. He was.”

“You don’t have a uterus. You are a boy. Boys don’t have uteruses.” I wasn’t even about to get into the whole “uteruses/uteri” discussion with him. If he doesn’t know that he doesn’t have a uterus, enlightening him on latin plurals would be a wasted effort.

“I don’t have a uterus?”

“No.”

“Do you have a uterus?”

“No. I don’t have one. I checked. Only girls have a uterus.”

“Oh. Mommy has a uterus?”

“Yes.”

“Daisy has a uterus too, cuz she is a girl. And a tetrapod. 4 feet. 1-2-3-4.”

“You are amazing, you know that?” He is still a step above some of my AP Bio kids with that tetrapod thing.

“Papa and uncle Justin don’t have a uterus,” he states.

“Nope. Now you are getting it.”

“Ok. Can I have pudding for last call?” Last call is our way of making sure he knows that this is the last food he gets for the night. He became quite adept at staying up WAY past his bedtime by telling us he was hungry and needed food. Now we don’t have that problem.

“Sure,” I say.

I really gotta be more careful what I say around him. He is like a little defective sponge, absorbing everything and then leaking it all back at the wrong time.

If life is this interesting with only one that can walk and talk, imagine what it will be like when Ryan is telling Ethan everything he knows.