Saturday, April 24, 2010

Goodnight Moon, and Ryan, and Ethan, and Penguin, and ...

As we all know, sleep is an important part of health and lack of sleep can cause all kinds of problems from depression to irritability to wanting to physically assault someone for putting a spoon used to stir sugar into coffee back into the sugar container so all of the rest of the sugar begins to stick together in little brown clumps. Sleep is the time when little boys bodies do most of their growing and it enables them to get up at the crack of dawn to face yet another grueling day of running around, playing with Legos and destroying basically everything with which they come into contact.

My boys are generally less than eager to go to sleep. They will do basically anything to prolong the process of getting ready. Our nightly ritual, at least when I am home to put them down, is fairly simple. At around 7 o'clock, I give them the warning that we are approaching the time when we will have to start thinking about going to bed. At about 7:05, 7:09, 7:12, and 7:15 I repeat this warning so that anyone who might have not heard or, more likely, actively ignored the previous warnings will not be caught by surprise when I say that it is time to get ready for going to bed.

Getting ready for bed involves several steps which are, to my adult mind, nothing to freak out about or throw a tantrum over but which are clearly grievous injustices to a 5 and 2 year old.

"Ok boys," I say. "Time for last call." Last call is something Jen invented for Ryan when he was around Ethan's age. It gives the boys a chance to have one last thing to eat before they head off to bed and the kitchen closes for the night. It was instituted when Ryan kept getting out of bed, sometimes 5 or 6 times in a 20 minute window, to ask for something to eat. The "last call" eliminated this because he knew that he wasn't going to get any food when he got out of bed and therefore eliminated his favorite excuse for wandering around. Obviously being a little boy he came up with other, more interesting reasons to get up, including going to the bathroom, being thirsty, wanting a hug from mommy (which sounds adorable but rapidly becomes less so when it is 9:30 and he was supposed to be asleep 2 hours ago), and being afraid that his clothes were all going to leave in the middle of the night and he wouldn't have anything to wear in the morning.

They are supposed to have something healthy, like a piece of fruit or some yogurt for last call, but generally the phrases "I want ice cream", "but I don't want a fruit!" and "this is unfair" are uttered a few times before they are convinced that we will not be making brownies this evening before they go to bed.

After last call they get into their jammies if we can find any. They each have their favorite sets and, due to our tendency to not do laundry until the piles are big enough to use as soft landing zones when jumping off of the bed, these sets are generally not available to them. This results in more "but I REALLY want to wear my Star Wars jammies!" and "I don't want to wear that t-shirt!" and "I'll just sleep in my underpants", until we can find something suitable for them to put on.

Next comes the second last call in which Ethan weasels some more food out of us. He typically doesn't eat much during the day and our pediatrician tells us that we shouldn't worry that he isn't eating at the same times as the rest of us and that he will eat when he is hungry. He seems to know that this is what the pediatrician tells us because he uses it to squeeze a few more minutes out of us before he goes to bed.

After second last call we head off to the bathroom to brush our teeth. This consists of Ethan grabbing Ryan's toothbrush and using it as a lightsaber to fight off Darth Maul or Jar-Jar or Dora The Explorer or whoever the opponent of the night is while Ryan complains to Jen and I that Ethan is using his toothbrush as a lightsaber to engage in said battle. After getting Ethan to give the toothbrush back to his brother, they boys engage in something that would not easily be recognizable as actual oral hygeine. Typically there is another lightsaber battle, followed by a spitting contest and concluding with mom, dad, or both grabbing the toothbrushes and informing them that they have brushed long enough and it is time for stories.

Story time is an amazing time in that I am constantly amazed at how long it can take to pick out some books. I am also amazed at how innane many of them are. Additionally, I am amazed at how LONG some of them are. One of Ryan's favorites, "The Caboose Who Got Loose", seemingly rivals "The Lord of the Rings" for length. I don't think I am exaggerating when I say that it can take 15 minutes to read it if we include all the pauses where one of the boys has to get up to get some water or to go to the bathroom or to put on a new shirt because the old shirt is "too blue".

After stories comes songs and, while I am not the greatest singer in the world, the boys seem to get a kick out of my singing. I'll let them pick the songs they want to hear and on some nights they like the simple things. Ryan will ask for "The Boat song," which is "If I had a boat" by Lyle Lovett, and Ethan will ask for "The French Song," which is a song I learned from a podcast that helps teach vocabulary but is relatively soothing if you don't know French and therefore don't know that I am singing about where the train station is located in relation to the market place and the town square. Every now and then one will come up with an unusual request, like "Sing a song about Anakin Skywalker and how he turned into Darth Vader and eventually cut off Luke's hand and then had to kill the Emperor by throwing him down a long tube," or "Sing one about Chicken Little and the alien invasion," or "Sing Enter Sandman by Metallica."

After songs comes the tucking in and the recitation of the "Rules Which Will Not Be Followed" that include things like "Don't get out of bed unless you are throwing up," and "No laughing with your brother," and "Stay in Bed", and "No crying," and "For the Love of God, Don't Get Out of Bed."

The rules are often followed by a 3rd last call because someone REALLY needs some crackers.

Next comes the putting-Ethan-back-into-bed-21-times phase of the night. Ryan falls asleep much more easily than Ethan, so Ethan gets worried because he is the only one awake and gets out of bed or cries because he is lonely. I try to be a hard-ass about this and tell him that he has to stay in bed and he has to go to sleep, but I can't really follow through. I remember how when I was younger and had trouble falling asleep my mom would come in and sing songs and stroke my hair until I was tired enough to fall asleep on my own. This always struck me as being incredibly cool and it was one of the ways that I knew that she loved me, so I try to do the same for my boys when I am able. It is also one of my favorite things to watch one of my boys fall asleep while I sing to them. Don't get me wrong, it can be incredibly frustrating on Thursday evenings when Jen and I can finally sit down and find out what happened on Lost last Tuesday and one or both of the boys is having trouble putting head on pillow and keeping it there. But there is something really peaceful about watching a little boy slowly calm down and sleep who, not 2 hours ago, was attempting to break the world record for the most Lego heads eaten.

Finally, sometimes several hours after the process has begun, they are asleep and all is right in the world.

Now we just have to hope that no one pukes because of all the food they ate at the various last calls.

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